A Love Affair With Fruit

Mar 26

I love fruit. As a snack, as earrings, on posters, in juice form, as a dye, used as a euphemism, frozen, canned, dried, in a pastry, for decor, as a hat for my cat, DOESN’T MATTER. I JUST LOVE FROOT! And I call it ‘fruitah’ on occasion.

Pros:

No waste
No need for plastic.
Healthy
Water content HIGH and quenches thirst
Good munchies food (if you’re into that) and alleviates dry mouth while providing maximum flavor
Dessert
Good texture
Colorful and pretty
Low carbon footprint
Cute
No need to cook it
Can grow on trees
Yummy
Can forage in wild
Provides good fiber for fruitful bowel movements

Cons:

If you’re like me and eat apple cores, then you may have some cyanide in you.
Some laborers suffer cultivating fruit (e.g. avocado cultivators are worked by “green gold” cartels).
Can get an itchy mouth if you have seasonal allergies.
Dumb people will go ‘teehee’ when you eat a banana.
Pesty pesticides but just wash them?

Schmooples’ Fruit Tier List:

A few of my reasons:

I thought of my best experiences with these fruits when I made this list, like when I’ve had them when they’re at peak ripeness or when I’ve been super thirsty.
When I thought of coconut, I thought of coconut water.
I like foods with high water content (JUICII), but I’m not always in the mood for citrusy flavors.
Fruits that require less effort to eat usually rank higher, but can be beaten by the juiciness factor.
Pomegranates scored C because I enjoyed the game Hades. Otherwise they'd be lower on the tier list.
Sometimes I eat fruit for the anthocyanins and the antioxidants, so health benefits are factored.
Blackberries are low because I ate them a lot during a week where I was really nauseous and sick, and now they are associated with that miserable time.
The frequency with which I eat and buy the fruit is also weighed.
If you don’t think honeydew is that good, then I don’t think you’ve had truly good honeydew. Don’t believe me? If you think it’s ready when the flesh is green, you’re wrong. It’s ripe when it turns a translucent white.

Schmooples Fruit Fun Facts:

I once (ok not just once) ate a mango with the skin on because I was too lazy to peel it off. Don’t do this. It can give you a rash.
I will eat the stems of apples and pears to minimize waste if they’re small enough. If they aren’t, I’ll try to chew on them to make them swallowable. If that doesn’t work, then I throw them away.
Stems have briefly gotten stuck in my throat before.
I think I could eat tree bark and grass to survive in an apocalypse.
Some of my apples have tasted like sweet grass. I throw them away. I guess that’s how pesticides taste.
I wish I liked kiwis more.
I rinse my fruits, but I used to not do that.
I used to eat apples every day, but I still went to the doctor.
Eating pears made me realize apples are too sweet, so I eat pears more often now.
I do not like Fruit Loops or Fruit Roll-ups very much.
When I was a kid I got a cavity from eating too many Welch’s fruit gummies.
My mom used to peel and cut fruits for me when I was growing up, especially when I was studying, as a form of affection. When I do it for other people now it’s a token of love too.
I still pronounce avocado like ‘eh-vah-ca-doo’ because of the “Fresh Avocado” vine.
I really wanna try a wild banana.
One of my Overwatch teams was called “Fruit Schmack” and we won two tournaments, one of which was a complete reverse sweep with a tie in the middle. One of the most exhilarating moments ever!
I like strawberry milk a lot and my favorite color is that kind of baby pink.