Ebb and Flow - Also Hello!
I have these phases where I feel like I pop in and out of life. Sometimes I just disappear for weeks on end and other times I’m actually living life. And when I say “disappear” I mean *disappear* - like becoming a straight-up hermit. Not that I’d make the Unabomber proud. I’m not a recluse for any particular ideology, much less neo-Luddism, nor am I the type to mail homemade bombs to esteemed professors. As much as I’d like to slap some perspective into some of them, I wouldn’t be able to craft an explosive and ship it. I’m… more of the type of person who would attempt to follow instructions on how to make a bomb, fail, and then sob about it with ammonium nitrate covering my hands. So no, I’m not fiddling around with ways to kill people when I’m agoraphobic. I have a different sort of internal struggle that pulls me away from the world. The plug gets pulled and I disconnect.
So, for the people to whom it seems I’ve stopped replying to, ignored, or ghosted, I apologize deeply. It’s not personal (like 99% of the time). It’s usually because I’m drowning in a vortex of ennui. After my hiatus from reality I dread opening my messages, because yeah, some people get pissed or are annoyed. And then I get anxious about doing the whole “Sorry! Sorry! I didn’t see this til just now” apology-tour. And then sometimes I understandably never get messaged back. Let me emphasize, however, this is a Schmooples issue. Not YOU. Me.
I can’t say that my ability to overcome this unceasing cycle of “Hello!!!” and then crickets is as good as I’d like it to be. Despite my effort to work on it for years, it just seems to happen over and over and over again, one way or another.
I know I can’t expect people to understand or be sympathetic to this. I can hardly say, “Oh, people who don’t get it aren’t worth being friends with,” because it’s okay for other people to have expectations and boundaries when it comes to friendships. If I don’t meet those expectations, then I have to come to terms with that myself. And if I’m unhappy that I’m let go, then I have to continually try to be a better person for the people I meet in the future.
I ran into a friend today, V, whom I haven’t seen for months. I met her at Saks OFF 5th - just a random occurrence. She complimented the floral sundress I’d gotten. Last we met, we spoke of her late mother, who would always share her difficulties with other people. When V was 8, she asked her mom, “why are you sharing such sad things?” and her mom replied, “because it helps me heal.” We talked about how sometimes when you share something vulnerable about yourself, some people will take that precious, fragile bit of glass you shared and just drop it. We talked about how, although everyone is idiosyncratic in their own way, we all share the human condition, and what matters is how you face it.
Seeing her again today was a surprise, but she remembered me, as I remembered her. She said the first time we met was a “human moment.” I really like that. As reluctant as I am to ask people for help - to even just talk - I should do it more often. Time to take up her offer for coffee, I suppose.
Notes:
I’ve had moments where I’ve shared stuff with people and they don’t understand why I did or do the things I do. Admittedly, I sometimes feel and think things that aren’t entirely rational - I can’t explain why I feel obsessive-compulsive behavior towards this or that, or why I’m picking at my nails when I’m nervous, or why I’m so anally ritualistic about eating a goddamn fruit every time I wake up. I’ve had my confessions ridiculed, my vulnerabilities used as verbal ammunition against me, and the things I’ve said in confidence used as gossip fodder. It’s understandable why not everyone shares their vulnerabilities; some people fumble the personal shard of glass you’ve given them and shatter it. But people like V…she reminds me that it’s okay to share. That it can be safe. That it can be healing.
Bonus:
Another thing she complimented me on was my pin bag. She LOVES pins too!!! Take a peek: